Eats Shoots and Exits by the Left Door

This tale combines Singapore's famously high investments in public transport with the subtleties of language and the idiocy of crowds. The current MRT network has 3 lines feeding the central business district (CBD) from outlying areas. A new line under construction, the Circle Line, will go around the CDB at a decent distance and hence permit non-CDB routes. The Circle Line crosses the existing lines, in this case, the North-South line at Bishan.

The designers of the MRT system do a pretty good job of arranging the interchanges so a change from the North-South to the East-West line (at City Hall and Raffles) is just a matter of crossing the platform. Similarly, the new Circle Line interchange is arranged alongside so a North-South train will have platforms on both sides.

Bishan has been a construction site for months and the steady completion of the new platform has been visible from the train, providing a voyeuristic viewpoint akin to fish in a tank.

At the weekend, they flipped over; the train doors open on the new, Circle Line side while they refurbish the old platforms. It's temporary, so the train driver (probably called a Service Captain) does the announcement live:

Please exit the train through the left doors.

The Merlioness reports that on Sunday, while making this journey, the announcement caused everyone to get off the train, wait an awkward few seconds to realise the mistake, then got back on. To be fair, an Indian family stayed sat down and I think the fact they weren't kicked off (as is done when trains reach the terminus) confirmed their mistake to the crowded platform. It depends where you put the stress. If you said

Please EXIT the train through the left doors.

everybody gets off, whereas the meaning is

Please exit the train through the LEFT doors.

An Irritating Truth (lah)

I've written before about how Singaporean speech is an eclectic tonic of English and Chinese with mixed vocabulary, grammar and accent. For balance sake, I should point out examples of excellent English use.

A newspaper covered an explosion in some Bukit Merah flats which blew out windows and substantially destroyed or damage several units. After describing the neighbours collection of belongings, the article went on to quote the fire dept:

"A gas leak is believed to have contributed to the explosion"

Well, Duh! But I wonder how many people would have carelessly used "caused" in this instance? A cause is certainly more definite but likely overstating the body of evidence. Next up is an example of a colleague answering the 'phone in the office:

"Yes?" ... "This is she" ...

That's nice and absolutely correct. It's all a matter of background of course. Schooling and parents' speech at home are primary contributors.

But 2 memorable examples from over 18 months is worrying thin evidence of strong language competency. Singapore should be in a supreme position to capitalise on its widespread English and Mandarin ability. They should be a regional Rosetta Stone, valuable in the global marketplace but, in all honesty, the opportunity is being squandered by the casual mish-mash that is Singlish combined with the regional accent.

I think it's quaint and fun, but the harsh economic reality is that the status quo vox populi may be cute & comforting but on the world stage, it's baby talk that needs to be left behind.

Little Hearts Everywhere

Going to China from Hong Kong has always been pretty easy. Our route was best served by a boat from the Kowloon Ferry Terminal for a 2 hour cruise up the coast. It's a medium sized catamaran, non-smoking with some straight-to-VCD Chinese movie on screens at the front. The Chinese port is the same building as years ago but everyone seems more ... at attention. Smart uniforms, no loitering, efficient customs (better than Chep Lok Kap airport) and they even had a beagle sniffer dog. I'm thinking Olympic effect but it's early days.

The hotel was really nice with boiling hot tap water and a huge staff:guest ratio. Reception was staffed by Fiona, Sean and Jack. Later at dinner, the server was Wendy, assisted by Trainee Wong, leaving me to conclude that front-line staff with some English use solely Western names, while others are mono-syllabic Chinese surnames. It doesn't much matter to the Chinese, they will just called out "xiao jie" (little girl) to summon a waitress of whatever linguistic ability; the name tags are strictly for foreigers.

The in-room information pack listed Internet access at RMB40 (£2.60) for one hour, and a fairly reasonable RMB60 (£4) for a whole day. The system had to be retro-fitted onto the older hotel infrastructure by using ADSL over the extension wiring which I thought was neat and perhaps ensures greater accountability than wireless. Strangely, they also listed the prices for many of the room's fixtures and fittings, such as net curtains, bath towel, bath robe, kettle and shoe basket (RMB70 £4.60). I can only presume this is charged for missing items so it was reassuring they didn't give a price for the mini safe.

What is also striking are the nannying warnings. Hong Kong ferry terminal kept repeating annoucements about slippy floors (never seemed an issue 10 years ago). The hotel bathroom had the same warning above the toilet (literally: little heart ground wet). The dinner table warned not to let children run around as it can be dangerous. Did Asia suddenly get lawyered up and litigous? Prohibition signs are found in all countries but petty warning signs are pernicious and self-defensive. It's a bad sign.

Cheap or cheap?

My dictionary lists 11 major meanings of the word "cheap", though not it's middle English sense of "a market", from whence street names like "Cheapside" are derived. The primary meanings are "low cost" and "shoddy", the potential confusion between the 2 causing airlines to call themselves "no frills".

So when KLM e-mailed me saying they were doing a spring offer of S$850 return flights to Europe, I thought I'd have a look since I paid S$1,600 only in February.

And sure enough, if you find an unpopular day (typically Wednesday), you can get the advertised S$850 fare, excluding tax(es) and surcharges. Of course, those taxes and surcharges are not optional; the all inclusive price? S$1,548.

What other industry allows the sticker price to be advertised with an arbitrary but mandatory element (totally 50% of the value) only added at the till? All KLM achieved was to sucker me to their website with a lie, thereby reducing brand trust and loyalty.

Acting Asian

One of the blogs I read regularly had an article about academic swotiness. I don't have first hand experience of this (obviously) but it is a perjorative within the American black community to be accused of "acting white". In school it is apparently used against pupils who academically excel. The article says this is now passe and the new term is "acting Asian".

Which makes me wonder what a Singaporean school kid would understand if accused of "acting white"? Given the famously elitist Singaorean school system it's likely the opposite meaning of the American one.

This segues nicely with another commentator who suggests that Children of Overbearing, High Stress Parents Hit Singles and Doubles. The hypothesis is that kids subjected to extraordinary stress to achieve academically will go on to be good solid performers in life. Probably not drug-taking dropouts or high-flying Nobel prize winners, but middle of the bell-curve.

To steal from our earlier discussion of hedgehogs vs. foxes in business, you might say that the "overbearing parenting style" has a high expected value but low variance, whereas the "hands-off independent style" has extreme outcomes on either end of the distribution curve.

Singaporean parents (esp. Chinese) are stereotypical pushy of their kids and it is a national goal to get a Nobel prize winner. Personally I think such awards are lotteries and the small population of Singapore doesn't give them many chances to win, but the educationally-induced attitudes are a commonly cited factor also.

Hokkien is Chinese for Yiddish

Yiddish has given the English language some great words. Who hasn't admired someone's chutzpah, been called a klutz, kvetched about work, aspired to be a mensch or watched a schmaltzy movie? We sprinkle our thoughts with these strange words whatever our religious persuasion, partly because of their evocative, onomatopoeic charm and sometimes they are just the bon mot.

Singaporeans use Hokkien in the same way, as raisins in a linguistic scone. And there is a saying that the 5 'k's define the Hokkien character:

1. Kiasu: afraid of losing, being beaten
2. Kiasi: afraid of dying
3. Kiabo: afraid of having nothing
4. Kiabor: afraid of the wife
5. Kia Chenghu: afraid of the government

There's a couple of others that spring up. Kaygao means to be very calculative, scheming, Ke kiang means trying to be smart while Kiamsap means stingy.

I am bemused by the tension between kiasu and kiasi when applied to stocks and investments. They correspond to bull and bear sentiments and for a Hokkien holding stock, it must be a sort of personal hell trying to avoid either losing out or losing the lot. Oy vey!

China's Unsung Heroes

There are already 93 million Chinese called Wang and the number's growing (the top 10 Chinese surnames are Wang, Li, Zhang, Liu, Chen, Yang, Huang, Zhao, Zhou, Wu). The problem is that Chinese names are traditionally 3 characters, starting with the family name, then adding 2 personal names. The Chinese Government controls the choice by publishing a list of acceptable family names. The resulting surname (or as seen in a recent e-mail: "sir name") shortage is causing confusion apparently.

The ministry's suggested solution is to allow double-barreled combinations. China Daily gives the example of a baby whose dad's surname is Zhou, the mother's Zhu, and who could therefore be called Zhou, Zhu, Zhouzhu or Zhuzhou.

Note that wives usually retain their own name but children would take the father's. We can now play the I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue game where we announce the arrival of Mr. Ng and Mrs. Sung with their son Ng Sung He Ro.

You don't need double-barreled names to have problems. Everyone one I know here has problems with romanised Chinese names, most notably in e-mail where I hear daily Long/Leung/Leong or Chee/Chie/Chea debates amongst people of all levels of Mandarin fluency. Worse yet, a Mandarin Seng is a Hokkien Sing so people pronounce the same name according to their language bias.

As far as I know, my company's e-mail always uses the Mandarin romanisation but that just means they may be called something slightly different and you can't tell. A minor additional confusion is that Westerners are shown as "<first> <last>", but for some reason, Indians are added "<last> <middle>-<first>", leaving their given name in the wrong place unless they complain to the Admin and have it switched around. It's no wonder business cards are so important and exchanged with almost Japanese levels of reverence.

My chief gripe is with Chinese who take a Western name as well. While Mike Tan is easy, it may be used in addition like TAN Kuan-Hiat Mike. So he might be "Mike" at work, "Kuan-Hiat" elsewhere but you still need to be able to spell the whole thing for e-mail. It can occassionally be fun such as a lady I worked with a few years ago: Ms. Heidi Ho. Strangely, I've never forgotten her name.

Random Sightings Around Town

Side of Jurong Marine ice delivery van: "Hotline: 6265 7337"

Side of van: "Killem Pest Pte Ltd"

Side of van: "More than just ship spares"

John Little dept. store selling Bum brand socks: "Bum Socks"

Car window sticker: "Bunnies are not toys"

Subway station: "Station monitored by over 40 cameras"

Speaking in Mother Tongues

Last week's Sunday Times led with MM Lee encouraging Singaporeans not to give up on their Mother Tongues. His pont is that while English has been promoted as a national asset for economic vitality, other languages, even if spoken less fluently, are important too. Now, to be fair, he wasn't just talking about Chinese keeping their Mandarin for working with China and Taiwan, but also Malays keeping up with their Malay, and so on.

I should perhaps explain that Mr. Lee Kwan-Yew, the first prime minister of Singapore has become MM Lee, or Minister Mentor (MM), a cabinet-level, advisory position. As an aside, there's a read across here to long-time Malaysian prime-minister Dr. Mahathir who stepped down a few years ago and has used his retirement to continue a political commentary.

This is a hard nut to crack. Let's take the example of a Chinese child growing up in Malaysia/Singapore. Her Mother Tongue might be English, although her Grandmother's Tongue might be Cantonese or Hokkien. At Singaporean school she'll learn in English, at Malaysian school, possibly Malay, then English later if in a science stream. Singaporeans learn Mandarin Chinese, and may also study a foreign language such as Japanese.

Frankly, it burns kids up.

So what do we drop? Grandparent language (Cantonese, Hokkien) would mean a break in family culture. Malay is the national language, plus it's useful for working with Indonesia. English is the prime target language for Singapore and international affairs. Mandarin is many Singaporean's native tongue and what about doing business with China? Plus language is the expression of culture so there's a lot at stake here.

So while I applaud MM Lee's call to retain a Mother Tongue, we both know it isn't that simple and I expect the mish-mash of languages used with varying fluency to continue. Indeed, it's one of the local charms.

What's the Chinese for Gezelligheid?

The Dutch are a funny lot, and as contributory proof, I give you the word Gezelligheid. It's one of those complex words without a direct synonym but cosy comes close. It's best explained by example: if you arrive at a Dutch threshold and there's a warm draft of air from the fire, pot pourii in a bamboo bowl, candles flickering on the window sill and a welcoming glass of gluvein, the visitor might well exclaim gezelligheid.

Not only is there no Chinese equivalent, it's hard to think of even a similar concept. Chinese don't have the Western dinner party culture and 'house proud' tends to be measured by lot size and the number of plastic Grecian columns holding up the car porch rather than the ambiance of the interior.

Chinese/Singaporeans don't have the same habitual social niceties as most Europeans either. In Germany, especially rural Germany, strangers passing on the street say Morgens! to everyone. It's really rude not to and a necessary and expected part of public life. Such behavior would be shunned here; you just don't catch people's eye but rather walk past each other as unspeaking zombies.

Recently I was walking down to the bus stop and approaching at a distance was a lady with a big smile on her face. My mood was immediately lifted as, frankly, you don't see many smiling faces on the way to work and my response was involuntary, almost sub-conscious. It lasted about 3 seconds until she approached closer and I could see she was an older lady with permanent, deep crow's feet and a strange, mouth-open grimance as a resting countenance. My mood fell back to workday sullenness.

Pasar Patois

Soon after arriving, I was asked how I was getting on with Singlish? "Fine" I said, I've been working in Asia for years. "Ah no", they said, Singlish is different, it's not just an accent, but an amalgam of languages including many loan words, mostly Hokkien, e.g.

"Wah, it's cheem ah?", meaning it's complicated or deep.

I don't speak Hokkien or Hindi or Urdu or much Malay so all loan words could be a problem to comprehension, but that's nowhere near the most interesting aspect of Singlish.

In linguistics, diglossia is a situation where, in a given society, there are two (often) closely-related languages, one of high prestige, which is generally used by the government and in formal texts, and one of low prestige, which is usually the spoken vernacular tongue. Singapore has a diglossic continuum of elite English, through Singlish and ending in Mandarin/Hokkien Chinese. People speak different languages, by choice, depending upon the situation. On the street, pasar patois ("market speak") mixes language, accent and vocabulary to establish the speaker's social class. And people migrate up and down the continuum to suit the situation, a bit like putting on a posh accent when going into an estate agent.

Regular readers here will now be wondering what the Government is doing. Checkout the Speak Good English movement launched in 2000 to encourage improvements in English. It is focusing on encouraging standard English sentence construction, rather than the common direct Chinese-to-English transliteration, e.g.:

Singlish: What time start?

English: What time does the event begin?

I like Singlish as I like all languages. It's a magic code to achieve things, like saying "peng" to a Thai taxi driver to negotiate the price down, Singlish can sometimes get more done than standard English. If there is a problem at work, a quick "How to do?" works wonders - it sounds familiar, non-threatening and invites cooperation. Sounds good to me!

Language sufficiently foreign sounds like monkeys

Okay, bear with me on this one. The premise is from an old Sherlock Holmes film where people are viciously attacked and witnesses describe a short, muscular man talking in a strange, foreign language. The good detective quizes them about what it sounds like "Romanian?", "Peruvian?". Upon further questioning they admit they have never heard any of these languages, it's just what they imagine it would sound like.

Fast forward about a hour because the that's how the Basil Rathbone SH stories were arranged. The 'clue' is early on and the rest is just prancing around for the cast. The answer is that it is a trained attack monkey/ape, hence its sounds were never inteligble speech but given the presumption of human origin, were attributed to unknown foreigners. (Hey, it's an old film).

I was reminded of this on the bus today as the usual unwillingness of people to move away from the doors (why is that?) caused a jam at the front and the driver had to shout a bit to get things moving. Now, I'm reasonably accostomed to Chinese, Malay, a spot of Hindi, Philipino, but whatever he was barking out was something completely different. Possiby Hokkien as there are a lot of native-Hokkien speaking bus drivers for some reason. Still, the tone left little to the imagination.

Nancy, New York, November?

I'm smug that I can remember most of the (NATO) phonetic alphabet useful for spelling out names, call signs, IDs and so on. On calling SingTel to discuss a technical matter arising from their web site, I had occassion to need it for clarity's sake, so off I was with November Foxtrot.... It worked a treat, and the call proceeded efficiently.

Things took a strange turn when the CSO (that's Call Service Operator) took a turn and said he was going to use "Capital Cities", to spell out the next bit (something I've heard many people use in these parts). He started well, New York, Washington, then started to lose his way France, Russia, Zulu, Osaka, Australia.

He could have used Christian names (Nancy, Wendy, ...), random words (Mother, Fencepost) or even the Cockney version (A is for 'orses, B for Mutton, C for Miles, M for size, ...). The plethora of choice and the resulting mish mash is why I bothered to learn the 'proper' one; you don't sound like you are making it up as you go along.

Have you ever been to Poughkeepsie?

Scene: a local plastic-ware shop. A man is trying to buy a plastic bread bin. After much fumbling with the cardboard box, the shopkeeper declares there is no price marked. An unseen voice from the back boldly states "$26.20" (£8.70).

"$26?" cries the customer in shock, "That's expensive isn't it?"
"Well, it's good plastic" (shades of Monty Python's "beautiful plumage" there)
"Yes, but $26? That's a lot of money"
"Well how much do you want to pay?" asks the shopkeeper, sensing the wild guess from the back might be off the market rate but there is a chance of a deal to be done.
"I don't know, it just seems pricey compared to a few years ago"
"Yeah, but a few years ago we didn't have the MRT!" [MRT=light rail network]

The resulting stunned silence reminds of a scene in the French Connection where Gene Hackman's detective character in mid flow of interrogating a known miscreant suddenly throws in "Have you ever been to Poughkeepsie?" The confused crim is thrown off his well-rehearsed alibi routine wondering what
possible crime in a small, up-state New York town he is now being linked with.

In both cases, a brilliant example of a dissonant response which leaves no room for logical reply.